Happy Mother's Day
This is the 4th Mother's Day since we've started the adoption process. The first two years were easy and exciting, imagining that next year I'd be eating breakfast in bed with my husband and some tiny little person while wearing a necklace made out of pasta. Last year was sad but only on the actual day. Fortunately I have such an amazing mom and mother-in-law that the day was still exciting and full of reasons to celebrate. This year was different. As soon as my calendar flipped to May a feeling washed over me that I can only describe as hopelessness. Not angry, or sad or frustrated, just hopeless. Feeling like I signed up to go on a road trip that has no destination and I'm in the back seat, watching the sun rise and set, watching seasons change, but I'm just too tired to ask "are we there yet" one more time. I asked God for something. I didn't know what I needed but I needed something.
And then there were kittens.
Three little kittens in a box, dumped on the front porch of my office with a little note that read "Kittens. Need Love. No Shots". I don't know anything about kittens...well I didn't know anything about kittens but I jumped at the happy distraction. I took them home, gave them baths, bottle fed them, played with them. It's a pet (no pun) peeve of mine when people equate children with animals so I promise I'm not going there. But man, it sure was fun to cuddle something so cute and small.
And then I found all the kittens homes.
And then there was a card.
A simple postcard from my friend Christa, who always sends the best mail. It read "You deserve to be celebrated today for your faithfulness, determination and steadfast love for the babies you haven't even met yet. That is a true mothers spirit".
And then I sobbed my face off and took the card to work and hid it in a little drawer where I could see it but no one else could. Because how do you explain a Mothers Day card when you're not a Mother? How do explain that you feel like a mom and think about your kids every day... and some days every moment...but you keep it inside so you don't have to deal with the well intentioned comments from real moms who remind you that God will give you kids when you're ready for them.
And then there was an email.
My best friend Ashley sends me these novel-esque emails every now and then. I love these emails and have them all saved. This email was about life and changes and husbands and jobs. And then sort of randomly it's asking about what maternity leave is like for people who adopt? Does that exist? Because it should and it would suck if it didn't.
And then I realize that she's still talking about this adoption like it's gonna happen. So is Christa. This adoption is going to happen. Maybe not how I imagined, definitely not when I imagined. But it's going to happen. And that reminds me that in the midst of uncertainty I am still allowed to have Hope.
So today, as we ramp up to a weekend of celebrating the most special women in our lives I share with you a compilations of songs that give me hope. Some are serious, some are silly, some are new, some are old, some you'll like, some you'll hate but for me each one has played a special part in this journey and I hope it makes you smile. The Best Is Yet To Come. Happy Mother's Day.
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